free stats Carmen's Web: Never a Bride
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Never a Bride
Been invited to a bridal shower next month. I'm actually excited and am looking forward to it, but when I got the invite I just let out a long sigh. Once again I'm reminded that everyone around me is getting married or settling down and I haven't even been able to introduce the man in my life to my own parents.

It's time, I tell you. It's time I get off my lazy ass and do something about my static situation. Yes, I know I've complained about this a million times before, but forgive me. This is the heavy burden of my soul. It's the itch that I can't seem to scratch and it refuses to go away.

Of course it won't just go away by itself. I'm a firm believer of not pushing things and giving events time to take their own course. And I thought (WISHED) that somehow, as time passed, my situation would perhaps resolve itself or that at least I'd become better equipped with the tools I need to fix my life. But as more time passes, the only thing that happens is increasing frustration at my fucking impotence.

What am I waiting for, you ask? Why don't I just rock the boat already and let things fall where they may? I mean, there's bound to be some calm after the storm. Maybe I need to finally let it loose.

I haven't been putting all this on the back burner. For the past few months I've been working frantically at figuring out a way to lessen the blow that's going to hit my parents. I've been talking with experts, sheikhs, and people who've been in this situation and have read every single opinion on the web. I've even found some sheikhs who would officiate an interfaith marriage such as ours. And while I've managed to gather more information than one's head should contain, I haven't found anything that would truly appease my parents.

I can't imagine a life without my parents in it. I can't imagine having a wedding without their presence. Can't imagine raising children without grandparents there to spoil them. It may never get to that point. I've been told that my parents may be angry for a little while and then perhaps they'd just get over it, but for right now I'm bracing for the absolute worst. I have not allowed a sliver of hope to enter my brain. Definitely better than thinking the least if something halfway decent happens it'd be a truly joyous thing.

For the past two weeks I've had this inexplicable urge to walk into the house, sit my parents down, and tell them about my plans with the boyfriend. This urge started on my birthday. I had received some very bad news that day and as I was driving home I started feeling like I should just blurt everything out to them. I chickened out, of course, but this feeling hasn't gone away.

I have to plan all this carefully. I still live at home. It'd be really awkward to live at home after breaking this type of news.Was going to move out a couple of months ago, but it doesn't make sense if the BF and I are planning on doing this anytime soon. Better to save some more money and hopefully put a down payment on a home.

Uff. I can't even picture having a wedding. Planning a wedding. Having a shower. Being with family that's actually happy for me. I'm never going to have a normal engagement where the excitement builds up and the joy at finally getting to your destination is felt. This whole thing will just be a continuous struggle and I'll probably never feel what a bride should really feel. My cup will definitely runneth over when R and I finally make it, but it'll still be tainted by this whole drama.

So after all this ranting what am I going to do? I'm going to go make myself some hot chocolate, check out the gift registry for the bridal shower, put on a movie and wallow for the rest of the evening.

I promise you, one day I'll grow balls and you'll read a post entitled "I DUNNIT!". But for now, just let me enjoy my movie.
Thoughts shared by Carmen at 5:52 PM
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Who: Carmen

xx-something egyptia-yorker who's spent over half her life stuck in two worlds not of her own making. unable and unwilling to fully embrace one identity over the other, she created (is trying to create) her own place in the world where people love each other unconditionally, irrespective of artificial boundaries, and where dancing merengue is as necessary to life as breathing air.

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