Went to see the Bond flick tonight (which was really good, but awfully long) and as I drove home I started feeling some strange emotions, like there was something I was supposed to have but didn't. When I parked my car outside the house I couldn't get myself out. I sat there listening to a song and reclined the seat back a little bit.

Is it possible to miss something you never even had? Because at that moment I started missing my unborn daughter. It sounds ridiculous even as I write it.

I never wanted to have children. When I was younger, there was none of that tugging at the heart or biological ticking going on. Why would I ever want to bring a child into this world? I didn't have the best of childhoods and I know it's had a huge impact on the way I live my life today. I simply did not want to have a child and make it go through the bullshit I've had to go through.

Two years ago, however, this resistance to having children began to disappear. I saw my curly haired daughter in a dream and I was in love. I've been aching for this girl ever since. I've got a song for her all picked out ("mi dulce nina, tu eres mi vida, contigo nina quiero pasar los dias") and I've got all the love in the world waiting to be poured on her.

Am not sure why babies have been on my mind this much recently. I'm not worried about the biological clock. I think I've got another good six to eight fertile years left and even if they pass me by there's always adoption (if any Muslim even thinks of writing in and telling me that adoption is not allowed in Islam I will snap your neck. You've been given fair warning).

I'm emotionally ready to have children. I have things to offer them, stories to impart, recipes to pass on. I may not be financially ready at the moment, but who is? That gets sorted out along the way. My parents were broke when they had me. And they remained broke till I hit my teens.

Maybe the babies on the mind is due to the fact that I really AM ready. And am with the person I want to have them with. It's just too bad that we've got to jump over all these hurdles to start on our happily ever after.