The BF noticed that I wasn't in the best of moods last night. We've been together long enough to pick up on the subtle changes in our moods even if we're trying to hide it. He asked me repeatedly what was wrong, but I didn't want to talk about my insecurities so I told him I was fine and kept changing the topic.

He called me this afternoon from outside my house and told me to get dressed so we could go have a nice lunch. I HATE getting ready last minute like that. See, the thing with curly haired girls is that we need some time to get our tresses in order. We can't just pick up and leave like that.

So anyway, we go out for a lunch that was not so nice.* In between our complaints with the service and the food he continued asking me what was wrong and I told him that I wasn't comfortable talking about it now and that maybe we'd discuss it soon.

On our way home he stopped the car about a block from my house and asked me what I thought his intentions towards me were. I told him that I knew he loved me, but admitted that I didn't know what his intentions were. He then proceeded to tell me that he loved me very much and that he really wanted to marry me. That there was no one else he wanted to spend his future with, etc... (I'll spare you the sappy stuff). He apologized for not letting me know earlier and regretted that we keep tip-toeing around this. It was about time we talked about our futures.

Our major issue is our religions and my parents. He told me that his family might have some problems with it, especially if he can't get married in a Catholic church, but that it wouldn't be a big deal. He asked if I'd be willing to convert and I told him that any conversion that would be had, if it were necessary, would simply be me signing a paper so he could get married in a church if need be. But that I'd never be Catholic. Fair enough, he said.

He then asked me what would be needed in order to make the ramifications on my side less severe. I told him that in order for my parents to be okay with anything he'd need to convert, but that that's not something I want him to do. Other than conversion there's absolutely nothing that would make the fall-out with my parents avoidable.

I told him what I've always told him before; that they'd be disappointed, unhappy, and that there's a strong likelihood that they wouldn't join me in this part of my life. It would be a terrible time for me and if we were to go through with this he'd have to be very strong.

I hate that this is all so hard. I hate that I'm not even sure about what my parents would do. Part of me thinks (hopes?) that they'd be understanding and that they'd be happy for me, the other part (the one that actually lives on Earth, not in la-la land) knows the hell I'd go through. I don't want to disappoint them, I really wish I could make them happy and live the life within the framework they gave me. But I can't do it. I can't force myself to marry the nice Muslim man they wish I'd end up with.

We ended the conversation acknowledging the difficulties and talked very briefly about what we'd do with our children. He said he would want them to be baptized, I told him that sprinkles of water on a baby's head is not a big deal for me but that there's no way I could invite my parents to something like that. Can you imagine my Muslim parents in a church watching their Muslim-Christian grandchild get baptized????


*(Francy, remember that Italian restaurant next to Midway??? We found bugs in our food, what we ordered wasn't even edible, and the restaurant was full of Forest Hill's senior citizens...when did it get so bad????)