free stats Carmen's Web: I don't have time for a life crisis right now
Monday, September 04, 2006
I don't have time for a life crisis right now
First day of classes start tomorrow and yours truly is shitting bricks. I always get like this before a "performance" so I've kinda gotten used to it. Fear of the unknown is a pretty controlling fear, but is one that'll go away once you just jump into the pool. The first time I taught was HORRIFYING. I remember how badly I wished for the earth to just open up and swallow me whole.

I'm not a people person. My nature is such that solitary is what brings it peace. I'm more introspective than interpersonal. It's always bothered me, this fear of being around people and that's why I forced myself to go into teaching. Good thing too because apparently that's where my calling lay.

But my shot nerves right now have little to do with my anxiety for my new job and more to do with my recent trip to Chicago.

The boyfriend and I went to visit his niece and her family just outside Chicago this past weekend. I had a very nice, relaxing time and fell in love with their five year old daughter. I also actually enjoyed my time in the suburbs (she lives about an hour away from the city).

I had a very good time with the boyfriend, though realized on this trip that he's not an ideal travel partner. He's got no sense of adventure, does not enjoy exploring cities, and is a chronic complainer (though he limited the complaints on this trip--remind me to recount our Rome trip one day). I'm fine with all that. I wish he were a little different because I'm all about the travel (I suffer from wanderlust) but understand that compatible travel partners are difficult to come by.

The BF and I have come a long way. We've been together, on and off, for the past eight years and have had to jump over so many hurdles to get to where we are right now. We first had to deal with the fact that I was engaged when we met, our height issues (he's 5'7", I'm 5'10" without heels), his commitment phobia, our RELIGIONS, etc, etc.

We've been "good" for this past year. He finally got some of his shit together and we've been working at establishing a foundation where we can continue building our relationship, and have been doing fairly well. He's changed a lot and while the process has been much slower than it should be, I haven't jumped ship because I've been in love with him for so long and firmly believed that our story would have a happy ending one day.

I digress.

This past weekend, as I bonded with the five year old girl and watched the dynamics of his niece's family, I realized how BADLY I want to have a family of my own. And I don't mean that I just started hearing the ticking of my biological clock or have become infatuated with Bride magazine.

For the past, I would say, decade or so I've pushed my way out of my family. We were very close at one point, but once I realized that our relationship depended on my utmost submission to their will I just started breaking away. I would never be able to give them what they want; the Muslim marriage with the Muslim kids and the perpetuation of traditions.

So I've basically lived inside myself and have been missing my "family" for a very long time. When I see families, as dysfunctional as they may be, I feel a twinge of jealousy and a great deal of hate. I would never have wanted to start a family in my 20s...I can't see that I would've been able to contribute anything of substance in a family (with or without children) but I'm ready now to start one.

I'm 30 and I'm sick of the fact that I'm dating like I was 16. I speak to the boyfriend on the phone every day, we see each other often, but we always retreat to our own homes. It's frustrating. I just spent the past three nights with him and have to come home to sleep alone in my bed. It's great having your own space, and I'm glad I've had it, but I'm ready to move beyond it.

The crisis right now is stemming from the fact that the boyfriend and I have to get our acts together NOW or else this whole relationship must end. After we got back together last year, a part of me kept a wall up when it came to him because I didn't want to be vulnerable with him ever again. Everytime we broke up, it would take me (and my friends) a long, long time to put the pieces together again. And I thought I had this wall pretty well built. A couple of months ago Toots put his foot down and told me that I needed to take care of this relationship NOW. It needed to end and I needed to be the one who ended it. His reasoning was this: if the BF was the one who ended this relationship, I would be devastated. I told him that that wouldn't happen; that part of me is prepared if this relationship ever ended and he told me to be careful with this idea because that wall is not built as solidly as I think it is.

And I realized today how right he was. The wall isn't solid whatsoever. Even if it were I myself who ended this relationship now it would be devastating.

I love R. He's been the love of my life for as long as I can remember. (He's not the man of my dreams, but the love of my life. The man of my dreams wouldn't be embarrassed to buy me tampons). But part of me thinks, feels, knows that this is not going to last. And this realization, topped with the urge to have my own family, hit me really hard last night and its residuals carried over to today.

I so don't have the time for this right now. Nor do I have the energy.

Mi cama me llama (my bed calls). I have to be in school at 7am tomorrow and need all the sleep I can get. Pray that the kids don't overrun my class!
Thoughts shared by Carmen at 8:33 PM
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Who: Carmen

xx-something egyptia-yorker who's spent over half her life stuck in two worlds not of her own making. unable and unwilling to fully embrace one identity over the other, she created (is trying to create) her own place in the world where people love each other unconditionally, irrespective of artificial boundaries, and where dancing merengue is as necessary to life as breathing air.

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