free stats Carmen's Web: Sad
Saturday, November 18, 2006
Every once in a while I fall into a really bad depression that threatens to shut me down. I'll have no taste for life, I'll be unable to see the point in anything, and I'll begin to withdraw from people (even those I live with) because I simply won't have the ability to be decent company. When someone is talking to me, my mind will be elsewhere because, well, it has shut down. I appear aloof and uncaring to these people and then it takes some time to repair the relationships. So it's better that I just stay away, regress into my cocoon till the depression ride is over.

When I was living in Cairo I had these depressions much more often (if you knew the shit I went through in Cairo you'd commend me for not offing myself). And when they did hit they stayed for months. I was plagued with these depressions on and off in my early/mid-20s and I think that's why I never really took the initiative to dramatically change my life. The depressions made me impotent and useless and I basically wasted a lot of time feeling sorry for myself.

This past week has threatened to throw me into this depression and I'm struggling like a fish out of water to keep it at bay.

The lifestyle I'm currently living doesn't really help the situation either.

I eat extremely badly, for example. I can't remember the last time I had something of nutritious value. I eat too much and I eat too much of the wrong thing. I know my body. If it's not being treated properly it won't cooperate with me. I have to start eating properly and I need to head back to the gym.

I need to move out of my house. The living situation with my parents is not bad. They're sweet and I love spending time with them. But I treat every single second that I spend with them as if it's the last one. And it's wearing me out. Everytime I talk to my mother I think, "Once she finds out about the boyfriend she'll never want to talk to me again". Whenever my father throws in a "habibi, enti 3arfa ana bahebik ad eh? (Habibi, do you know how much I love you?)" in the conversation I start to hurt. I need a healthy distance from them. I need to be out of this physical and emotional space.

My job...I don't even want to talk about my job. I dabbled in many jobs in my 20s and was ecstatic when I finally uncovered the teaching bug that had been lying dormant in me for so many years. First year teaching is the worst. I know this. And the winter breaks are just around the corner. I know that too. But everytime I look at the face of a teenager all I see is a punching bag.

Most of the teachers at my school are two or so years away from being able to apply for sabbatical. And of course I'm hating. At this rate, if I stay in this career, I won't be able to apply for sabbatical until I'm much older. And so, because depression is rearing its ugly head, I start to beat myself up every day for not being able to settle on a career early on in life.

I can go on about every single facet of my life, but let's call it a day and say that my life is just toxic right now.

Okay. It's 8am on a Saturday morning. I cried a little bit last night and was able to release some toxins. I'm going to go have a healthy breakfast, drink a bottle of water, and head to the gym. I'm then going to come home, take a warm bubble bath, wait for my hair to dry, and attempt to do something to break myself out of my usual routine.

Wish me luck.
Thoughts shared by Carmen at 7:32 AM
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Who: Carmen

xx-something egyptia-yorker who's spent over half her life stuck in two worlds not of her own making. unable and unwilling to fully embrace one identity over the other, she created (is trying to create) her own place in the world where people love each other unconditionally, irrespective of artificial boundaries, and where dancing merengue is as necessary to life as breathing air.

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