I had a very bad altercation today with a student.

He's usually a model student and I've had a great relationship with him since we started school. For some reason today, though, he was being VERY resistant. He wouldn't do what I told him to do, he wouldn't participate with his group, and he openly defied me in class. I was confused and wasn't sure what to do because I had never had an issue with him before, but it got to a point where I HAD to do something lest the class start thinking I was wimp, so I sent him out to sit in the hall till he calmed down a bit, but the minute I did that he walked towards the gym. I yelled to him to come back and sit outside the classroom. He refused to do it. I was torn between disciplining him and actually continuing my teaching (thank God they were working on a project) so I spent a couple of extra seconds telling him that if I looked out the door and didn't find him there'd be hell to pay and went back into the class.

I was fuming when I went back in, but had a VERY disciplined class for the rest of the period. After the period ended I called him into the class and asked him why he was acting the way he was. He wouldn't answer me. I told him that he needed to talk to me and tell me what was wrong if I were to help him, but he didn't open his mouth. So I asked him to write me an essay about what it means to work in a group and why he wasn't doing his work today.

He left and I was just in a lousy mood for the rest of the day. The past two weeks have been absolutely draining. I'm used to teaching adults. I'm used to people who WANT to learn and enjoy learning. I'm not used to adolescents who are in the throes of puberty. Who you have to control.

I had a near panic attack on Saturday. I was extremely exhausted (hadn't slept all week), was dehydrated, and overworked. Around eight-ish I started getting this tightness in my chest and had trouble breathing. Tears started forming in my eyes and vertigo hit all of a sudden. The boyfriend and I were supposed to meet for dinner, but I didn't have the strength for it. He insisted that we meet so I could just vent, so I spent a good twenty minutes doing that in his car while he drove to the restaurant. By the time we got there I had let out my toxins and was able to spend a really nice evening in a GREAT restaurant with amazing food. I kinda calmed down the next day, but am still feeling a little overwhelmed.

So you can imagine how I felt when I had that incident with the student. I'm already beginning to doubt this particular career and can't seem to leave my work at work (I come home and continue working).

After I finished my day, I went to the teacher's lounge and bumped into the principal who said he wanted to talk to me. I walked into his office and he told me that he wanted to share something with me. He told me that my student had visited his office and seemed kind of upset. He sat down with him and asked him what was wrong, but the student wouldn't tell him. He asked him if he'd feel more comfortable writing down what was bothering him, so my student did that.

The principal told me that my student had written:

"I was having a really bad day because of problems outside school and I didn't pay attention in history class this afternoon. I didn't do the work and I really upset Miss S. I want to apologize to Miss S, but I'm shy".

It was so heart-warming that I wanted to search the kid out and give him a hug.