free stats Carmen's Web: Friends
Monday, April 02, 2007
Best Friend recently returned from her year-long stint in Taiwan. I missed her immensely and am ecstatic that she's back, but I haven't really been able to express it really well. Or at least express it in the way she wishes I would.

I've never been an overly expressive woman. I hate confrontation and am much better on paper than I'll ever be in person. This is a result of all the moving I did between the ages of 4-8. From Egypt to Germany, where I didn't know the language, then from Germany to America, where AGAIN I didn't know the language. I remember sitting in classes with such a tightness in my stomach that I thought I would faint. I'd come home everyday with an excrutiating headache, the result of being bombarded with an alien language. By the time I finally learned English, I had spent too much time in deafening silence. I was never really able to communicate with people the way I wanted to. Talking has never really been my thing.

I've never told best friend, for example, that I love her even though (outside my family) she's the person who's been in my life the longest. She's loyal, she's true, and even through the arguments we've never said or done anything to hurt each other. Piss each other off, absolutely. But never, ever hurt each other.

She's been gone a year, but when I saw her last weekend I felt like she was gone for merely a day. We picked up right from where we left off and it was wonderful.

But I didn't greet her with the fanfare or excitement I know she was waiting for. So I don't think she's been able to adequately understand how happy I am to have her back.

I don't do fanfare. I'm very reserved. There was a time when I was in high school where best friend and I were very lovey-dovey. We wrote notes that we passed to each other between classes and I think I may have been more emotionally available or expressive than I am now. When I graduated high school and went through my own private hell I did close myself up and never opened up again.

I always assume the people in my life know how much I love them without me having to express it. I assume they know and don't have insecurities if I close up every once in a while and don't give them the kind of friendship they want. I always pray that they'll tap into the friendship reserve that we filled up together and realize how much I really do love them.
Thoughts shared by Carmen at 12:10 PM
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Who: Carmen

xx-something egyptia-yorker who's spent over half her life stuck in two worlds not of her own making. unable and unwilling to fully embrace one identity over the other, she created (is trying to create) her own place in the world where people love each other unconditionally, irrespective of artificial boundaries, and where dancing merengue is as necessary to life as breathing air.

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