I just saw (and killed) the mother of all roaches. You know those REALLY, REALLY big ones? Those gross waterbug kind of roaches? Ugh.

I was in the bathroom getting ready to take a shower when the corner of my eye caught some kind of movement. I looked down to see this roach struggling to get over my scale. I froze. The bathroom is too small for me to run anywhere. I couldn't open the door to escape; the scale is right next to it. If I opened the door I risked the little sucker escaping. And once it escapes to the outside world, we would've never found it. IT would've found US when we least expected it.

So I froze. And waited for the right opportunity to kill it. I had to wait for it to get out from any crevices or corners...it needed to be in open space. I needed enough room to insure that one hit would get it. This was a MONSTER ladies and gentleman. There was no way I would've had the guts to kill it more than once.

I waited and waited (which meant I had to keep my eye on it as it struggled to gain ground...grossest 50 seconds of my life) and finally it started making its way toward the middle of the bathroom. I picked up my slipper and SLAMMED it down to the ground. One shot. I waited for a couple of seconds more, unsure what to do. I mean, I couldn't just stand there staring at my slipper. After another five seconds I decided to pick up my slipper.

BIG MISTAKE. The motherflipper was not dead. It was, however, on its back and so I was subjected to its legs and icky parts. It tried to turn itself upside down which prompted a nice, big scream from me. My heart was beating faster, I was beginning to get a headache, and I picked up the slipper again and slammed it down...harder.

At this point I hear my mother running towards the bathroom, screaming "Fi eh? FI EH?????" (WHAT IS IT???) I yell out, "SORSAR!" (Cockroach!)

(I'm a big baby when it comes to insects, rodents, or reptiles. I'm a city girl, okay? Always have been. Toots and I went to Union Square a couple of months ago and he tried to make me sit on the grass. There was NO WAY I was going to do that. Does anyone realize how many RATS are running around that park?????????? The only rodents I don't mind seeing are squirrels.)

She tries to open the door and I stop her. If she opened the door all the way she'd push the slipper off and I'd have to deal with IT again. I stand on the tub and crack the door open a little and tell her that it's still alive and I can't bare to see it again. She tells me to slam my other slipper down and I tell her she's crazy, that that's not going to kill it. So I pick up my scale and slam it over my slipper and the little shit manages to squirm away from under it!!! I scream once again and my mother opens the door all the way. By now the roach is on its back, half-dead. We can still see its legs move, but it wasn't going anywhere.

I tell my mom to get the vacuum cleaner so we can suck it up because there was no way in hell I was going to pick that thing up. My mother and I are both afraid of insects. We don't do well with them. My father is working the night shift tonight, so he wasn't going to come to our rescue.

My mother tells me that the vacuum cleaner is broken and that we'd have to pick it up. We both stare at each other. We were both hoping that one of us would volunteer. I was way too disgusted to do it and isn't it a mother's job anyway to protect her kids??? So she goes into the kitchen and gets a broom and voila, roach is gone.

She comes back after she disposes of the body and tells me that I scared her. "Ya 7ayawana!!!! Tala3teeni men el sala!! (You animal! You made me break my prayer!) I thought something happened to you!!!!!"

Which is much better than what my aunt (her sister) did when SHE thought I was in trouble, but that's another story...