Teaching ESL (to adults) has got to be the most interesting job in the world. You get exposed to the quirkiest characters and hear things that you believed only existed in the realm of sitcoms. Toots recently gave me "Mind Your Language", a British comedy sitcom from the late 70s about the misadventures of a group of foreign students trying to learn English at night school. I've never laughed so hard in my life! Totally worth watching if you can get your hands on it. And don't try to get it from Toots cuz he's not getting it back from me. (Toots is usually good with movie/book suggestions...the only time he ever erred was when he insisted I read "Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrel". I worship books...I would never deface one. However, I wanted to TORTURE that one).

Anyway, I've already exposed you to uranium; here's one my all time favorite stories from my classroom, also known as the breastfuck story:

Was trying to get the class to understand when to use the past tense vs the present perfect. I ask one student to tell me what he did that particular morning.

Student: "I wake up at 7."

Me: "You wake up at 7? This morning?"

Student: "Sorry, S, I WOKE up! WOKE up at 7!"

Me: "Very good! What did you do after you woke up?"

Student: "I brush my...BRUSHED! I brushed my teeth."

He waited at this point for a little bit for me to acknowledge that he corrected himself, kinda like a seal waiting for his fish as a reward, and so I smiled at him and gave him thumbs up, so he continued.

Student: "I had the big breastfuck and then..."

Me: "What? Wait, what did you have?"

Student: "Um...I have the big breastfuck? Am having? Will have had?"

He started rolling off all the tenses that he knew. Beads of sweat were forming on his forehead. The class looked confused...they were afraid that I was going to pick on one of them to help correct him. I just wanted to make sure I had heard what I heard so I asked him again to repeat himself.

Student: "Sorry! I don't know!!! I had the big breastfuck????? I make the eggs and the bread and the cakes."

I honestly don't know how I contained my laughter at this point. I wasn't sure I had heard him properly the first two times, but after he did it a third time I was struggling to hold it in!

Me: "Breakfast. You mean you HAD a big breakfast?"

Student: "Yes. Is what I said. I had the big breastfuck".