free stats Carmen's Web: Delayed reactions
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Delayed reactions
While I didn't feel any better after having exposed myself to my mother yesterday, I didn't feel any worse either. I was calm, proud to have taken that big, huge, no-going-back-now step. Proud of having faced my demons head on. The stress of having kept it a secret for so long was gone, but it was replaced with new stress so it wasn't as if I shed any burdens.

I left the house after telling her. It's not that I didn't want to face her. I needed to clear my head in different surroundings and needed to NOT think about it. I didn't want to wallow. I didn't want to think of what I could've done better, how I could've said things better. The head needed to be cleared immediately.

R and I went to catch an early movie so my mind could be occupied by something else. As we were driving back home he suggested we go visit his brother's house. I love his family and being around them is a blast, but yesterday was simply not the time for me to socialize with anyone. He parked in front of his house and insisted we go inside. I told him that I just couldn't see anyone today, at which point he said that I'm always doing that and we should just go inside. I didn't feel like fighting and was planning on walking in and then leaving his ass there. I was really pissed.

When I walked in I saw the entire family there. His brother's wife, their daughters, the daughters' boyfriends, and a bunch of people I didn't know. Hang in there, I told myself. One go around of hellos and you're outta here.

It was then that his niece made the announcement that her boyfriend had just proposed and I realized that's why R was so insistent on going in. I was very happy for her and my mood lightened up a little. I was still slightly angry because, well, he should have given me a heads up so I didn't go inside like a sour puss.

I didn't leave right away though, in retrospect, I should have. I stayed through her father's speech, "We're happy to have you in our family, E", her mother's tears, the sisters' screams, the family phone calls. I watched the elated faces and the happy hugs. It was such a sharp contrast to what I had just went through with my mother earlier.

I kept checking my phone throughout this entire time to see if best friend or Toots sent me any texts...they were both worried and proud of me and I needed any words of encouragement that came round my way. R noticed and asked if I needed to go home. I told him that I was just checking for texts. And told him also that best friend was really angry with him.

She called him two days ago to tell him about a party she wanted to throw last night to celebrate our engagement. She wanted to get his family's info so she could invite them. I, of course, called her earlier in the day to tell her about the saga with my mother and canceled. I felt bad, but she understood. He, however, had not called her back and so is now on her shit list.

He insisted he never got the call, but when he checked his voice messages heard a really long one from her. Apparently he had forwarded his calls to another phone which doesn't send along voice messages. He felt AWFUL and then gave me the message to hear.

Her voice was the trigger to my subsequent breakdown. She didn't say anything in particular..."I need e-mails, I want to throw a party"...but just hearing her voice, hearing that she wanted to celebrate me pushed me over the edge. I became instantly quiet. R kept asking me questions and I couldn't answer him because if I opened my mouth I'd start crying. My heart started beating faster and all of a sudden I felt the tears about to come. I ran off to the bathroom. Got off my seat and ran. And started crying. Bawling.

It was just too much. The celebrating vs the lack of celebrating on my part, the happy faces vs my mother's face, how easy it was to welcome people to the family vs the shit that I'm going through. It just seemed too much to take in.

I managed to compose myself just enough to get my keys and run out to my car where I had my nervous breakdown. I started hyperventilating (which scared the living shit out of me) and couldn't stop the tears. I didn't realize how painful this would be. I knew it was going to be hard, I knew I'd be hurt in the process, but I never dreamed of the extent of pain that would be involved.
Thoughts shared by Carmen at 9:41 AM
| link to this post
| 26 added their 2 cents worth! |

Who: Carmen

xx-something egyptia-yorker who's spent over half her life stuck in two worlds not of her own making. unable and unwilling to fully embrace one identity over the other, she created (is trying to create) her own place in the world where people love each other unconditionally, irrespective of artificial boundaries, and where dancing merengue is as necessary to life as breathing air.

Want more? Click here!

You can email me here image hosting and photo sharing