free stats Carmen's Web: Raging
Saturday, July 15, 2006
I was in rage last week.

I couldn't stand my classmates. Everytime I would hear a fellow classmate say "I axed my students" I found myself wishing I owned a Mary Poppins bag where I could just reach in, pull out an ax, and chop his/her head off. Really. I fantasized about doing that.

I couldn't stand my boyfriend. I can't begin to tell you how many times I jumped down his throat everytime he said something, poor guy. Arguments out of left field.

The class I was taking last week was on learning disabilities. On Wednesday, the teacher mentioned that women who become pregnant under the age of 16 and over the age of 40 have a higher chance of having a child with disabilities. Then she added, "women who have their first child after 30 also have a higher chance of having a disabled child". My antenna sprung when I heard her say this. I suppose there is some scientific rationale behind it (hormones, etc), but I know for a fact that there are a lot of other factors to consider and a statement like that cannot be uttered around me without the person backing it up (I ALWAYS need proof). I asked her for the studies that mention her little "fact" and she couldn't cite any. So I ignored her for the rest of the class. People talking out of their assholes piss me off.

So that evening when I talked to R I mentioned what the teacher said and how chaotic the class became after her statement. Now, the boyfriend, whenever I mention anything about babies and age, always tries to reassure me that I'm young and healthy. "You shouldn't be thinking about these things". He's afraid that I'm going to start pressuring him re: marriage, babies, etc, and always tries to steer the conversation to a happy place. His best friend's girlfriend recently broke up with him because she had just turned 31 and told him that she was ready for marriage and babies and that if he weren't ready she'd be out. So she left. The boyfriend is always on alert whenever baby talk or marriage talk comes up. Silly little man.

Anyway, I tell him what the teacher said and was ready to go into a tirade about how other factors MUST be considered when he says, "I know a lot of women who have their first children when their in their 30s...don't worry about that. You're young, you're healthy, you take care of yourself, so it's not something to worry over".

Uff. I was just trying to have a normal conversation with him. Wanted to vent about my classes. The thing is that I'm NOT on the baby track. I'd love to have children and although I just turned 30 I'm okay about not having any just now. I'm not in a rush for anything in my quite content with the pace of life at the moment.

So I start getting angry and tell him he doesn't know anything; that it's a scientific fact that women who have their first child at 30 are more likely to have disabled children. I didn't believe it myself and couldn't believe that I was actually saying it to him, but I was just so angry that he tried to "calm" me down, that I started arguing AGAINST my own point of view.

We argue about this for a little bit and then he says, "You know, I believe that if you just put your faith in God and..."

I stopped him right there.

"R, God has nothing to do with this."

"Just let me finish, if you just put your faith in God..."

"BUT GOD HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS. What if I didn't have faith in God? Does that mean He'll make my child disabled? God has nothing to do with this."

"Christ, S, I'm just saying that if you put your faith in God..."


"...AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, you'll be fine. Will you just let me finish a sentence??! Have faith in God and take care of yourself."

"NO, because God has nothing to do with this. I know what you're trying to say. It's like a hadith the prophet said, 'Trust in God but tie up your camel'. [At this point I had to go off on a tangent to explain to him what a hadith was, though I've explained it about a million and three times]. I get it. But how is faith in God going to prevent someone from having a disabled child? God does not punish people for not having faith in Him and will certainly not create disabled children just because their parents have no faith."

"So what, S, are you an atheist now?"

"No, I'm not an atheist, but people have got to stop thinking that their lives will be better if only they have more faith. Believe in God, be spiritual, do the works. But STOP bringing God into everything like this".

Poor guy. He didn't really deserve me jumping down his throat like that, but I was raging. I couldn't understand why until I looked at the calendar and realized the date:

When I was younger my PMS manifested itself in tears. I would cry, and cry, and cry at the tiniest of things. I stepped on an ant once and cried for hours. If someone said the slightest thing not to my liking--tears would flow down my face.

Now my PMS manifests itself through rage and irritation. I become NASTY. I bite your head off for the slightest transgression. I have no patience.

Every once in a while I get the sad PMS or the despair PMS, but have recently been afflicted with the rage. I need to lock myself in a room away from people for that week.
Thoughts shared by Carmen at 7:53 PM
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Who: Carmen

xx-something egyptia-yorker who's spent over half her life stuck in two worlds not of her own making. unable and unwilling to fully embrace one identity over the other, she created (is trying to create) her own place in the world where people love each other unconditionally, irrespective of artificial boundaries, and where dancing merengue is as necessary to life as breathing air.

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