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Friday, June 03, 2005
My alarm didn't go off in the morning. Or maybe it did and I was just so exhausted that I didn't hear it. I usually wake up every single day at 5am or so and refuse to get out of bed until my alarm goes off. This morning I woke up at 6:30 and realized I could still sleep for about an hour, so I shut my eyes, tossed and turned, and then at one point I saw that there was too much light outside my balcony. Looked at the time, saw it was 9:15, jumped out of bed, brushed my teeth, put my hair up, and ran out of the house. Thankfully I live only fifteen minutes away by train, so I arrived to class around 9:45 or so. Not a pleasant morning.

I arrived to class in the middle of a lesson, which flew completely over my head. We had to learn the difference between communicative aims and linguistic aims, and how to fill out an MFP (meaning, form, pronunciation---if you have no interest to ever become an EFL teacher I would suggest you not even ask me to explain to you what this is). I don't know if it's because I missed the first half hour of the class or what, but I couldn't make sense of any of it. ANY OF IT. When we broke for a fifteen minute break and our tutor left the room we all just kinda stared at each other with a "what the fuck just happened" look. It was like being in a really bad car crash. I hope all our lessons aren't like that.

Saw our elementary tutor teach her class today...she just makes it seem so easy. It was nearly a two hour the time she finished we had our jaws on the floor. The way she managed to control the room the way she did, quite impressive. I teach on Monday and don't think I'll even be able to do half of what she did today.


Why is it that I feel so foreign here? I'm chicken shit, terrified to go into a restaurant and ask for anything. I keep either seeking McDonald's or this tapas place I found near the university. The waitress there speaks English and I was immediately comforted by that fact. The food is pretty good too, but expensive. I still make my way there regardless because it's a) not McDonald's and b) a new comfort zone.

I don't know why it is that I'm so scared of my own voice. My Spanish really isn't that bad. I can easily get by with it, but for some reason can't seem to get it out my mouth. I've always been afraid of speaking, even in my own language, so I don't know why it should be much of a surprise to realize I'm afraid of talking to anyone here in Spanish.
Thoughts shared by Carmen at 8:07 PM
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Who: Carmen

xx-something egyptia-yorker who's spent over half her life stuck in two worlds not of her own making. unable and unwilling to fully embrace one identity over the other, she created (is trying to create) her own place in the world where people love each other unconditionally, irrespective of artificial boundaries, and where dancing merengue is as necessary to life as breathing air.

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